"Doing the Work": Breaking Free from Multigenerational Trauma for the Sake of Our Future
We often think we’ve moved past the pain of our past. Yet, for many of us, the truth is far more complex. The unresolved wounds from our own upbringing, past traumas, and even the struggles of our parents and grandparents shape the way we live, love, and parent. If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in patterns that seem to repeat themselves—especially in how you handle stress, relationships, or even your role as a parent—you’re not alone. The deep, multigenerational trauma we carry is often the silent driver of these cycles.
Inherited Pain and Its Invisible Influence
According to my mentor, Dr. Gabor Maté—renowned physician and trauma expert—trauma isn't just about what happens to you; it's about what happens inside you as a result of those events. After training extensively with Dr. Maté and his organization, I’ve seen firsthand how unresolved trauma can be passed down through generations, not just genetically but also through the behaviors and emotional responses we inherit from our parents and grandparents.
For fathers, this trauma can manifest in feelings of inadequacy, an inability to form deep connections with loved ones, or explosive anger that seems to come out of nowhere. These are often defenses we’ve built over the years to survive, but they no longer serve us—or our families. More alarmingly, if we don’t “do the work” to heal, we risk passing these unresolved traumas onto our children, perpetuating the cycle of pain for another generation.
Breaking the Cycle Starts with You
Here’s the hard truth: until we confront these wounds, we can’t truly break free from the patterns they create. This work is not just about you, but also about ensuring your children don’t inherit the same pain. The deeper work of healing isn’t glamorous, but it’s essential. It’s about looking inward, acknowledging the hurt, and taking steps to heal—because if we don’t, the price we and our children pay is far too great.
As Dr. Gabor Maté teaches, unresolved trauma will always find an outlet. It might show up in anger, anxiety, or depression, or even physical health issues. You might find yourself snapping at your kids or withdrawing from your partner, but you don’t fully understand why. The emotions seem overwhelming, or maybe you’ve become so numb you don’t even recognize the problem anymore. This is your body’s way of telling you that it’s time to do the deeper work.
Practical Steps for “Doing the Work”
So, what does "doing the work" look like in real life? It starts with recognizing that something needs to change. If you've noticed harmful patterns in your behavior or relationships, this is your call to action.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Trauma
Take time to reflect on your family history. Were emotions often suppressed in your household? Were you taught to push through pain rather than feel it? Identifying where these patterns began is the first step toward healing. Write down moments in your life where you felt unworthy, rejected, or abandoned. Consider how these moments still influence your thoughts and actions today.
Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion
This work is hard. It’s messy. And it’s easy to beat yourself up over how you’re feeling. But recognize that everyone carries wounds. You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be willing to heal. As I’ve learned from Dr. Maté’s teachings, self-compassion is one of the most critical elements of the healing journey. Understand that your past coping mechanisms helped you survive, but now it’s time to move beyond them.
Step 3: Seek Support
This isn’t a journey you should walk alone. Healing trauma often requires guidance and support from someone who understands the complexities of emotional wounding. Working with a therapist or coach who specializes in trauma, like myself, can give you the tools and perspective needed to truly break free. Whether through Men’s Psychotherapy and Support or Stress and Wellness Coaching, I offer a space to help you process and release the emotions that are holding you back.
Step 4: Reflect and Journal
Take time each day to reflect on what’s coming up for you. Journaling is a powerful tool for connecting with your deeper self. Ask yourself:
What behaviors or patterns am I repeating that I saw in my parents or grandparents?
How is my stress impacting my family and my relationships?
What am I afraid of confronting, and why?
Allow your responses to come out honestly, without judgment. The more you recognize these patterns, the easier they become to dismantle.
Step 5: Work on Forgiveness
This might be the hardest part—especially when it comes to forgiving the people who caused your initial wounding. But as Dr. Maté reminds us, forgiveness isn’t about excusing the behavior. It’s about releasing its hold on you. The people who hurt you were often hurt themselves. Forgiveness allows you to reclaim your power and stop the trauma from continuing.
The Impact on Future Generations
Doing this work doesn’t just benefit you—it frees your children from inheriting the same trauma. When you heal, you change the legacy you pass on. Imagine your children growing up in a household where emotional connection, vulnerability, and open communication are the norm. They don’t have to carry the same weight you’ve been holding onto, and that’s a gift more valuable than anything material you could give them.
Reflection Questions:
What patterns or behaviors have you noticed in yourself that seem to come from your parents or grandparents?
How do these patterns impact your relationships with your children and partner?
Are you willing to do the work to break the cycle for the sake of your kids?
Ready to Break the Cycle?
You don’t have to carry this burden alone. I specialize in helping men just like you work through their past trauma and create healthier relationships with themselves and their families. Whether it’s through Men’s Psychotherapy, Stress and Wellness Coaching, or Testosterone Optimization, I’m here to guide you on this journey.
Doing the work isn’t easy—but neither is living with the pain that comes from avoiding it. If you’re ready to stop passing down generational trauma and start creating a future filled with connection and healing, let’s work together. Click here to explore the services I offer and begin your journey today.